Sometimes I burn out.
I’ll feel excited, find a strand of inspiration, and then hold on tight for dear life while getting flailed around in the wind.
Like a kite.
Or like a surfer on a wave.
I’ll ride it until I crash. And then keep holding on.
I’ve become aware of this tendency. I’ve learned my “signs” of when I’m overheating. There’s a specific headache I get, for instance.
I have it now, only a minute into writing this post. Which is why I’ll keep this short.
I’m learning to trust my signs, to listen to my body’s messages.
And these last few days? My body has wanted one thing: REST. Not exercise, not going to my 12-step meetings, not even hanging with the boyfriend or walking my dog.
I used to call this depression. I’d panic and apply meaning to it. OH NO I AM OUT OF ENERGY WHICH MEANS I’M SPIRALING INTO DARKNESS.
My heart would close and my shoulders would slump, and I’d become certain that THIS was my life now, for forever.
Nowadays, I’m like… “Oh cool. I’m powering down a bit so something can be rewritten or rewired within me.” (I once heard of depression as deep-rest-on. I like that a lot.) It’s not that big of a deal. It really isn’t.
I’m learning to listen.
I’m learning to trust.
I’m learning to accept.
Maybe I burnt myself out. Maybe I overdid it. Or maybe it’s just time for some deep rest.
Today’s not a day to make decisions about my business, or to stress about money. It’s not a day to dive deep into emotional work or to go for a hike.
Today is a day to relax, to color and doodle, to watch feel-good movies, and to drink tea. It’s a day to wear jammies and slippers and put lavender in the diffuser.
I used to fight days like this, thinking they were a waste of time. But… Fighting what is, is futile. It’s silly. It’s a waste of energy. Also, I’d like to think that time is on my side.
There’s plenty of time.
And, even if I worked tirelessly every day for the rest of my life, I still wouldn’t accomplish everything I want. So… Why not take a day or three to chill?
Would I prefer to be bouncing around, accomplishing all the things I want to accomplish? Marketing freelance work and building my business and finishing my second book? Kicking ass in Choi Kwang Do? Making out with my boyfriend?
Well, yea. Of course.
But… Today is not the day for that.
And, shit. Let’s be real. When I’m GO-GO-GO and holding on tight as the flailing kite in the wind? I oftentimes wish I had an evening to rest.
So, for past Jen who was overdoing it and for future Jen who’s riding the wave, I vow to honor this time of rest. To soak it up. To allow my body to do what it needs to do. And to give my mind a chance to recharge, too.
No applied meaning. No old stories. No panic or anxiety or restlessness.