Day 27 of 30: My happy looks different than your happy.

I am so freaking excited that I only have two days left of this month, and that the May, Myself, and I Self-Love Experiment will come to a close.

I mean, I’m still gonna’ love myself and dig deep and do healing work because that’s who I am.

But setting something as charged as “self-love” as an intention and recentering on that intention multiple times a day for a full month and sharing EVERY DAY can be – well, transformative, for one. Also, PAINFUL.

I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE LONG-HAIRED CATS WHO’S BEEN SHAVED DOWN TO NOTHING AND FEELS AWKWARD AND EXPOSED AND WANTS TO HIDE UNDER THE BED.

Image result for shaved cat

At an AA meeting this morning I had people hug me and offer support to me and I wanted to swat them in the face and scurry away.

(I also was mad at the other people who didn’t try to offer support. Because that makes sense.)

It’s important for me to be seen, to be vulnerable, to share what I’m going through.

But sometimes… Sometimes it’s okay for me to shut that shit off, put on some jammies, and have some solo recharge time with my pup Floyd and my baking shows.

It’s okay to sit and watch Jeopardy with the boyfriend and not talk about every single thought going through my head, or every breakthrough.

Because – y’all – I’m having breakthroughs nearly every day.

I had a calm, uneventful day once. It was a Tuesday.

And as soon as I’m like, “Oh this calm feeling is nice” I hear a knock on the door and all the sudden Pain walks in and is like, “I AM YOUR TUTOR HERE TO TEACH YOU A CRASH COURSE LESSON.”

One thing that’s coming to me right now is that this isn’t a race. It’s not the hot dog eating contest of self-love realizations and awakenings. There is no finish line or quota. I can take things more slowly. I can dial it down a bit. I can turn down the volume, and I can take it easy.

An old pattern for me is to WORK REALLY FUCKING HARD UNTIL I BURN OUT. If something is challenging, I become certain I must WORK HARDER.

Today I was talking to my very calm and [annoyingly] stable boyfriend who has occasional bad moments and then processes and releases them and realigns with reality within 27 minutes and was like, “You’re so fucking calm and life seems so much easier for you. Meanwhile I’m working way harder and feel like a shit show!” And he was all,

“Maybe it’s easier for me because I don’t work as hard.”

And I was like:

unimpressed fun GIF by Coronation Street

But for real. While he and I are totally different people (and good thing, too – we balance each other beautifully), I could use a little of his chill approach. And he could probably use a bit of my work-hard-and-dig-deep-and-have-breakthroughs-approach.

And that’s what I’m learning: IT IS GOOD TO BE DIFFERENT. For decades I tried to be like other people. I tried to like the same music and movies, and even dress the same. I’d morph myself into who I thought the person wanted me to be. But… I never took into account that I have NO idea what the best fit for this person is, or what the best fit for me is. This is some other-level shit that the logic of the mind cannot fully grasp.

What we want and what we need is often very different.

And what we like and other people like is often very different.

I used to pressure myself to “have fun” in the way other people did. Go to parties, socialize more, take up rock climbing.

But… You know what’s fun for me? Reading a book, drinking tea, and watching The Matrix. Or baking shows. Or Will Smith flicks. Naps are also fun. Learning about physics is fun. Painting, doodling, or cleaning… All fun for me.

MY FUN DOESN’T HAVE TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUN.

If we were all exactly alike, we’d never grow. We’d never evolve. Our differences are what can bring us closer together and challenge us to expand.

Some people’s idea of happy is traveling nonstop and learning lots of languages. While that sounds romantic and rad in my head, my idea of happy is much more introverted and routine than that. AND THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME BORING OR LAME.

It makes me me.

This 30-day journey has really put me in touch with that… With the beauty of our idiosyncrasies. How cute our individual fears and quirks and preferences and beliefs are. And how it is totally not weird to be weird.

Weird is the new normal, y’all.

Plus, we’re all fucking weird. We all have weird thoughts and unexplainable feelings and fears and fantasies. And that’s what this journey is all about: having a unique human experience.

And, while I don’t feel this way all the time*… Today, I’m glad to be me.

*To clarify, I’m no longer like “JEN YOU SUCK I HATE YOU” — it’s more of a, “Jeez this experience is particularly painful and it’d be easier if I could have an escape route” sort of thing.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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