Day 13 of 30: It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay for you to not be at your A game. As my boyfriend says, “You can’t always be a super hero. Let me help carry the burden during your in-between times.” And that’s what we do for each other in partnerships and friendships. Part of taking care of ourselves means giving ourselves permission to not feel okay, and permission to merge with the sofa for a night, and permission to reach out and ask for help.

Or maybe you don’t need help. Maybe you just need to vent. That’s okay, too.

I joke with my girlfriends that it’s a good thing our PMS times are offset, so we can take turns anchoring each other into reality and out of hormonal whirlwind stories.

If you feel outside of yourself or uninterested or robotic or whatever it is, that is okay. Give yourself space to be right where you are. Breathe, and learn to enjoy this in-between time.

^^^ That’s an excerpt from my second book, and it’s fitting for me today. I woke up feeling frantic and cranky. On edge. All day at work, I was excited to get home, eat dark chocolate, nap, and then go to Choi Kwang Do.

Sometimes I’m a pro at being mindful and fully present, able to enjoy the beauty of even the most mundane tasks.

Other days I want to light shit on fire and laugh as I watch it burn.

Today I wanted to hide under my desk so I could technically still be on the clock (since I was in the office!), but without having to interact with humans. I felt frantic, unfocused, unconfident.

You know what I did when I recognized those feelings? I said, “This too.” As in… “Yes, uncomfortable feelings, you are also allowed.”

That’s been one of the most helpful additions to my recovery. When I find myself fighting myself or my feelings or thoughts, a favorite cheat code is to say: “ALL THOUGHTS ARE ALLOWED. All feelings are allowed.”

Something about allowing the feelings and thoughts to be as they are rather than trying to FIGHT the wave helps it to subside more quickly. It helps me to relax around them rather than get caught up in them.

It’s like when I try to fight my boyfriend away from tickling me. He wants it even more! When I’m finally like, “Okay. Fine. Tickle me.” He quickly loses interest.

Because we are children in adult bodies and that is our relationship. 🙂

But also… the discomfort and fear and panic I sometimes feel is a deeper part of me that just wants attention or, at the very least, allowance. Permission to exist.

Many of us (most of us?) have felt pressured to BE a kind of way. To be happy, content, middle-of-the-road. If we were too excited, we were told to chill out. If we were sad, we were told we were ungrateful or overreacting or that we should snap out of it.

It’s up to us to re-parent ourselves.

It’s up to me to give myself permission to be exactly as I am in any given moment.

Does this mean I sit and dwell in the suck? I mean… Sometimes I’ll enjoy a mini pity-party. But for the most part, I’ll accept that I’m feeling how I’m feeling, and then I’ll go about my day. Sometimes I’m annoyed at having to go about my day. I accept and allow that feeling as well.

The world doesn’t stop because I’m having a bad day.

It’s okay to not be in a perfectly grateful mood all the time. It doesn’t make me un-spiritual or even ungrateful. It makes me HUMAN. And ALL the emotions are a part of the human existence.

The sooner we learn to accept that and ride (rather than fight) the inevitable waves, the easier this experience can become.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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