and then there was that time i had huge dreams

Illusions of grandeur.

Spiritual arrogance.

Self-sabotaging by setting unrealistic goals.

^^^ These are all things I’ve heard… From others… From books… From myself.

And I’ve taken each into consideration. Because that’s the type of person I am. If someone says something to me and it stings… I think, “Hm. Maybe there’s some truth in there. Let’s unpack it.”

ILLUSIONS OF GRANDEUR: We live in a society filled with millennials who don’t do anything without taking selfies and posting pictorial evidence… A generation who doesn’t feel validated unless they have an audience.

Is that me?

Is that what this is?

The yearning to speak, to share my message, to spread strength and hope and laughter. Is it merely a spiritual void I’m trying to fill with the temporary approval (likes/comments/follows) of fellow humanoids?

This is what often holds me back from posting more videos. Or finishing scripts.

“Who do you think you are, Jen? You’re just another person who wants to feel important.”

^^^ Is there truth to this?


 

SPIRITUAL ARROGANCE: A spiritual mentor said this to me, and it shocked me to my core. I haven’t been back to his meditation class since.

arrogant

Is this what I am? A person with an exaggerated sense of my own importance or abilities?

What’s wrong with being a man among men, a human among humans, a writer among writers? Why can’t I be okay with being, I dunno… Mediocre? Why am I so terrified of being boring? What is the desire to stand out, to be different?

I remember the class being asked a question by the teacher in 2nd grade: IN THE BOOK OF LIFE, HOW WILL YOUR NAME BE WRITTEN?

Some people were like, “in pink” or “cursive.”

I was like, “My name will be in big font, bold letters, multiple colors, with exclamation points afterward!!!” Except I likely said “explanation points,” because I used that word up until very recently.

I still prefer it.

I’m a very passionate explainer!!!


 

SELF-SABOTAGE VIA UNREALISTIC GOALS: Woof. There can certainly be some truth to this one. At times the weight of my goals seems too heavy, I don’t know where to start, and I burn myself out by even thinking about it.

Then again, couldn’t the opposite be true? Self-sabotage via setting goals which are too easily attainable? Self-sabotage by not challenging myself?

You’re a Libra, I tell myself. The Idealist. The Dreamer. It’s normal to have big dreams. You just have to be okay if you don’t achieve them.

^^^ THIS has been what I’ve been ruminating over lately.

It wasn’t until I wrote a “Farewell, Dream Man” letter to the idealized Prince Charming man I had in my head that I was able to truly fall in love with and see my boyfriend for the godsend that he is.

And so, shouldn’t I do the same with my dream life, dream job, dream body?

I wrote the Farewell letter to my Dream Job about a month ago. And I’ve done my best to anchor into my office gig, focus on gratitude for what I already have, and to be okay with being just where I am.

But… I feel like a racing horse being forced to slowly walk around giving pony rides.

 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO WANT MORE?

 

And is it okay to ALWAYS want more?

 

I am an Enneagram Type 3 (The Achiever) and Type 1 (The Perfectionist / The Reformer). I’m practically programmed to have high standards and seek consistent growth and improvement.

 

I don’t know… As I’m writing this, a thought was just placed in my head: You’re still operating under the belief that there is a wrong or right way to be/act/feel. Just be where you are emotionally and physically. Be present with what is currently manifest. That presence and excitement is what yields the motivation and ample energy to chase the big dreams you’ve been given.

The big dreams “I’ve been given”… Huh.

That’s a thought.


 

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR BIG DREAMS?

 

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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