Analysis Paralysis, Self-Sabotage, & Intellectual Masturbation

Mostly I’m excited that I wrote the word “masturbation” in the title of this blog entry.

I haven’t posted in over a month, which is the longest I’ve gone without posting in [insert dramatically long time here].

Guess what happened?

Welp, I started making fun doodle videos…

Like this one about how to be less batshit crazy in a relationship:

And this one about how no one (not even Will Smith) will rescue us from depressive times:

And this one about how we have to start SOMEWHERE in order to achieve our goals:

And then I got really ballsy and made a real-talk video about my journey with melanoma, Breast Implant Illness, and healing from body image issues.

And everything got a great response.

And it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

So I hid and watched Netflix. And stopped making videos. BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE.

Going into the video-making journey, I was aware of this old pattern. I’d start something, it’d do well, then the initial excitement would wear off and I’d take it personally because I wasn’t an immediate viral sensation.

EXAMPLE. The first rap video I ever made got 6,000 views on FB within a few days.

So I got amped, realized I was obvi destined to be a rapper, and promptly made a second rap video. I wore Spanx and everything.

And people responded and were like “your first one was better!” and less people watched it and I then proceeded to avoid all rapping for like six months.

Because clearly this meant I actually wasn’t good at rapping, the first one was a one hit wonder, and if I made any others then people who find out I was a fraud.

Fast forward to now where I have 5-10 nearly finished raps written, yet haven’t jumped in to actually film them.

WHY? What am I so afraid of?

It’s not really what other people think of me. I mean it is, but it isn’t. I can’t control that, after all. So really, I’m afraid of what I’ll think of me. I’m afraid of falling into a deep pit of despair, sabotaging myself, and stress-eating almond butter until I become a fat blob from Wall-E.

Image result for fat person wall e

I really can be a micro-managing bully to myself.

On the other end of the extreme, I can coddle myself to the point of encouraging apathy.

If only those two could boink and make a love child, I’d wear it as a sweater and live a balanced life forever and ever amen.

Here are a few favorite things I’ve learned lately. I’m not yet a pro with any of these, as I’m still integrating the lessons, and I think they’re helpful to share.

  1. It is selfish for us to not share our gifts. — Someone said this to me and I looked at her like a lobster was coming out of her head. She explained that god had given me a message to share and that I was being selfish by hiding behind fear and keeping the message (videos, writing, etc.) all to myself.
  2. Impacting a few people is just as important as impacting a few million. — Why? Because each individual person is just as important as the next. If I stop myself from sharing a video because I think “only 7 people will watch it”… Then I’m essentially saying they’re not worth my time. That’s silly talk!
  3. Doing > Thinking. — My brain loves playing with itself. I have this certain affinity toward getting all caught up in “what’s the next RIGHT thing to do?” … As if there’s only one right answer. As a result, I sit there and toy with the thought / decision until it grows into a big decision monster and I become paralyzed by its size and intensity… And then I give up out of pure overwhelm. — The real way to figure something out is to take a messy, awkward first step forward… And figure out the rest as we go.

So here is my promise to you… And to myself:

I will make a video by the end of this week, and I will post it.

I also will record another rap.

Also, I’ve finished draft 1 of my second book, and I’m going to have it ready for trial readers by October 1st.

IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAVE A HISTORY OF SUICIDALITY OR REALLY LOW SPOTS and you’d be interested in giving this book a read? Let me know. I need roughly 5 trial readers to start.

The book is about re-framing suicidal ideations and learning how to survive (and thrive) as a sensitive person in a loud spiky world. There is humor… And there are doodles. Always doodles.

Glad to be back.

~J

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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