Day 272 of 365: transcending “that’s because…”

“You could convince me to buy a bag of dog poop,” a young coworker said to me last week.

I worked in and excelled at sales for many years, and was told I could sell ice to an Eskimo.

I always saw it as a compliment and a good thing, but when young’n at work said it to me, I paused. I realized I didn’t like the way it felt to be known as “convincing.”

Now… This isn’t me going into a self-hate berate. This is the witnessing of an attribute leaving the extreme and settling in the middle.

I can come up with a viable excuse/reason for anything, at any time. It’s a brilliant defense mechanism, wherein the person who instills the embarrassment on me gets that shit thrown right back at them before they know what to do with it.

I’ll make excuses rather than take responsibility for mistakes. I’ll bullshit rather than say “I don’t know.” And I’ll fight for another person’s beliefs even though I have no idea what I’m talking about, just so that person will like me.

dady 272 2

Then there’s the avenue where being convincing/passionate/ruthless would make sense, such as standing up for a cause… For what I believe in… Or for helping other people in some way.

And yet, if a topic comes up in this genre? I tend to shut down and shut up. I’ll agree with the majority, or be extra safe and agree with everyone present. I can always understand other people’s points of view.

DAY 272 actual beliefs

Both of these extremes have balanced each other out in an odd way. To make up for silencing myself with stuff I care about, I have found expression for that passion and fire in LITTLE MENIAL THINGS like standing up for an outfit choice when someone pokes fun rather than letting it roll off my back.

I’m naturally feeling these scales balance out. It’s certainly not comfortable, but it does feel… Empowering? Awakening?

I realize the obsession over defending myself and my choices is leaving me. Others’ opinions no longer hold the power over me that they used to. If someone dislikes me, I don’t feel the need to convince them otherwise. I can shrug it off, and put my energy into things that MATTER to me.

Like hippos.

Check out the hippo painting I made for myself:

hippo painting

(A couple weeks ago I wrote in a blog post about PROMISING myself that I’d paint a hippo painting. DONE AND DONE.)

It felt good to put that energy into something I love… Just for me… Just because.

Seems to be a common theme.

~J

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

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