Day 107 of 365: Sometimes I wonder…

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I look at their teeth and their eyes. I wonder what their smile is hiding, I wonder the last time they cried, and I wonder what would happen if I wrapped them in a warm, open-hearted hug. I wonder about their insecurities and the narrative currently running through their minds. I wonder what they ate for breakfast, and if they were running late.

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I feel a connection. I wonder what it would be like to see them naked or marry them. I wonder what it would be like to kiss them and be kissed by them. I wonder what kind of father or mother they would be. I wonder if maybe they are the singular person on this earth who could tame me.

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I wonder if they too think of me naked and if they too want to know what it’s like to kiss me. I wonder if it’s something they’re consciously aware of or if it’s just a subtle curiosity. I wonder what would happen if we did kiss, right in that very moment, and then went about our days without exchanging information. Zero attachment; just a physical expression of affection between two forms.

I wonder if I come across too strong. Too masculine. Too forward. I wonder if I intimidate people. I wonder how my presence feels to them. I wonder what I can do to be more comfortable and comforting, and if I say “like” or “um” or “y’know” too much. I wonder if they can feel me like I can feel them.

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I can clearly feel their inner world, their pain and their struggle and their hope. I wonder what would happen if I gently kissed their forehead and whispered to them that they weren’t alone. I think of how beautiful it would be to hold them during a time of vulnerability.

I wonder what makes them laugh, what makes them tick, and what makes them cry. I crave to experience a belly laugh from their core, to surprise them with their favorite home-cooked meal, and to sit together in silence.

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I realize that there is just as much of a chance of me never seeing them again as there is for our paths to again cross. I wonder if they too are consciously aware of this. I wonder what would happen if I said, “We may never see each other again; is there anything you really want to say?”

 

All of this, within a 60 second introduction, tucked underneath a scripted exchange of “Hi, How are you?” and “Fine, thanks”.

Sometimes, when I meet new people, I walk away filled with unfed curiosity, knowing I missed out on an opportunity to truly know a person.

I wonder if I’ll be more honest next time.

I wonder what would happen if we really did treat every interaction as though it was our last.

I wonder what kind of world that would be.

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Some days, I paint. Other days, I write. And rap. And tell stories. And do comedy. And doodle. And [attempt to] bake. And, one week out of every month, I merge with my sofa and sob about mortality and things like the existence of air and how we can't live without it and how utterly claustrophobic that is to consider. I'm relatively particular. And this is a place for me to share ALL the quirks.

One thought on “Day 107 of 365: Sometimes I wonder…

  1. Ya know I’ve always had those thoughts, but after reading the way you expressed the stream of consciousness with that awareness, it may have just been a subtle curiosity that’s continuously been unfed. Love the way you word things (err, ideas and daily habits n what not. I hate the word things). I recently have given that more (not yo the extent that you describe or that my mind wonders) action. As far as actually asking people what goes on w them and random questions like ‘but if you could do anything w.o cost or worry of time, what would it be’ and have gotten a few answers. Some of my coworkers orob jusy think I’m ‘weird’ or always wondering bout stuff. But, if ya never ask, I know for me I just go down rabbit holes.
    Thanks for putting this thought into words.

    Like

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